tits: gone
Oct. 16th, 2025 07:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
arnanakWell, I got top surgery! A lot of details will either come later in my comic or can be found on this art piece I made about the recovery process. I just already wrote everything out either in notes to storyboard or in that description or to my therapist, I don't like repeating myself aha.
Onto stuff I actually wanna write, well, I've kinda just been sitting around doing nothing. For the first week I was completely out of it but now, with tomorrow being two weeks post-op, I'm growing listless. I make excuses to take walks down to the local dollar store to buy one thing each day just go get out of the house. Yesterday I went out to the creek and wandered around it a bit and thought about stuff. An ex visited earlier to drop off some food and to pick up my bras and binders cause I sure didn't need them anymore.
I got pretty upset last night. I was thinking so much about life and transness. I discovered a very toxic reactionary internet space for 4chan-adjacent trans people. They had those wojacks for trans women and these little goblin creatures with blackface lips for trans men. It honestly infuriated me. I'm used to offensive content, but the way these people made fun of other trans people while constantly being pathetic doomers... Like yeah sure your life sucks sucks to be you. Yeah wow HRT does nothing and you'll never pass? Then why are you fucking taking it? You're lying and spreading negativity to hundreds of mentally unwell people for no reason. Ugh.
While talking to my therapist, we got into how much mindset matters... Some people are chronically unlucky and fucked by life, I've seen it in people I've met, but for most people, its mindset. You think you're chronically fucked until you go outside and talk to people and turns out this random ass person you're chatting with was homeless with no friends and all their family dead at 13 and they clawed themself up to where they are now. Then it's like, oh holy shit I have so much to be thankful for, I'm my own worst enemy. If you want something, you don't just roll over and cry about it. I feel that strongly now after how hard it was to get top surgery. I'd have a setback, I'd lay in bed and cry, then I got up and dug up some loopholes and I made shit happen.
It's hypocritical, though, for me to be so determined with my transition and then completely aimless with the rest of my life. I think I find something I want to do and I kinda imagine it and I do nothing about it then a few months later I realize I never wanted that at all. With transition, I know exactly what I want, but with life in general? No clue. In all likelihood, I could see myself falling upwards. I work in a physically-small retail store. People come and go so often. I could easily end up becoming a team lead and then a manager just from sitting on my ass waiting until everyone else quits leaving me the most experienced person in my department and applying when yet another manager transfers or quits. Is this good or bad? I don't know.
I want to figure it out, though. Now that I'm single, own a car, post-top surgery, basically friendless, and upgrading to full time work once I return in November... My future is entirely up to my own discretion without a single other consideration. It's lonely, but the only way to go is forward. It can only get better. When you go through awful things and you survive, things feel a lot less threatening.
I'm planning on scheduling a psychological evaluation and getting a diagnosis for whatever it is that's wrong with me. I am already diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and because of my tics I "suspect" I have tourette's. I also suspect something else beyond that. CPTSD? Autism? ADHD? Why do I suddenly relate to people with OCD? Only a professional can sort me out. I'm not a heavily pro- prof. dx diagnosis person. I don't really care what people self diagnose with. I think diagnosis in general only matters in cases like my own where it'd help specify my treatment plan and grant me the ability to access medications beyond antidepressants. I think identifying with your diagnosis can momentarily help you realize you're not broken and there's others like you, but people often overcompensate and try to normalize their symptoms instead of understanding that recovery means you should stop acting in such a way where you feel the need to put your disorders in your social media bio.
Speaking of which, I'm thinking about starting antidepressants again? I'll give it some time. I'd been taking D3 because I'm deficient and believe it or not it actually did improve my mood. But 2 weeks before, 2 weeks after, I can't take supplements. But guess who's officially 2 weeks tomorrow and thus will resume the D3? We'll see how I feel on that... Plus my recent low moods are understandable. Recovering from surgery, struggling to do basic things on my own, CANT WORK OUT, I'm cooped up inside lonely as fuck. I'm super thankful my mom's been visiting me daily. Also with 2 weeks, my restriction on driving lifts, thank fuck. I might go out and run around stores tomorrow just for the fuck of it. Imagine...... going to the pet store and looking at the cats....
Onto stuff I actually wanna write, well, I've kinda just been sitting around doing nothing. For the first week I was completely out of it but now, with tomorrow being two weeks post-op, I'm growing listless. I make excuses to take walks down to the local dollar store to buy one thing each day just go get out of the house. Yesterday I went out to the creek and wandered around it a bit and thought about stuff. An ex visited earlier to drop off some food and to pick up my bras and binders cause I sure didn't need them anymore.
I got pretty upset last night. I was thinking so much about life and transness. I discovered a very toxic reactionary internet space for 4chan-adjacent trans people. They had those wojacks for trans women and these little goblin creatures with blackface lips for trans men. It honestly infuriated me. I'm used to offensive content, but the way these people made fun of other trans people while constantly being pathetic doomers... Like yeah sure your life sucks sucks to be you. Yeah wow HRT does nothing and you'll never pass? Then why are you fucking taking it? You're lying and spreading negativity to hundreds of mentally unwell people for no reason. Ugh.
While talking to my therapist, we got into how much mindset matters... Some people are chronically unlucky and fucked by life, I've seen it in people I've met, but for most people, its mindset. You think you're chronically fucked until you go outside and talk to people and turns out this random ass person you're chatting with was homeless with no friends and all their family dead at 13 and they clawed themself up to where they are now. Then it's like, oh holy shit I have so much to be thankful for, I'm my own worst enemy. If you want something, you don't just roll over and cry about it. I feel that strongly now after how hard it was to get top surgery. I'd have a setback, I'd lay in bed and cry, then I got up and dug up some loopholes and I made shit happen.
It's hypocritical, though, for me to be so determined with my transition and then completely aimless with the rest of my life. I think I find something I want to do and I kinda imagine it and I do nothing about it then a few months later I realize I never wanted that at all. With transition, I know exactly what I want, but with life in general? No clue. In all likelihood, I could see myself falling upwards. I work in a physically-small retail store. People come and go so often. I could easily end up becoming a team lead and then a manager just from sitting on my ass waiting until everyone else quits leaving me the most experienced person in my department and applying when yet another manager transfers or quits. Is this good or bad? I don't know.
I want to figure it out, though. Now that I'm single, own a car, post-top surgery, basically friendless, and upgrading to full time work once I return in November... My future is entirely up to my own discretion without a single other consideration. It's lonely, but the only way to go is forward. It can only get better. When you go through awful things and you survive, things feel a lot less threatening.
I'm planning on scheduling a psychological evaluation and getting a diagnosis for whatever it is that's wrong with me. I am already diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and because of my tics I "suspect" I have tourette's. I also suspect something else beyond that. CPTSD? Autism? ADHD? Why do I suddenly relate to people with OCD? Only a professional can sort me out. I'm not a heavily pro- prof. dx diagnosis person. I don't really care what people self diagnose with. I think diagnosis in general only matters in cases like my own where it'd help specify my treatment plan and grant me the ability to access medications beyond antidepressants. I think identifying with your diagnosis can momentarily help you realize you're not broken and there's others like you, but people often overcompensate and try to normalize their symptoms instead of understanding that recovery means you should stop acting in such a way where you feel the need to put your disorders in your social media bio.
Speaking of which, I'm thinking about starting antidepressants again? I'll give it some time. I'd been taking D3 because I'm deficient and believe it or not it actually did improve my mood. But 2 weeks before, 2 weeks after, I can't take supplements. But guess who's officially 2 weeks tomorrow and thus will resume the D3? We'll see how I feel on that... Plus my recent low moods are understandable. Recovering from surgery, struggling to do basic things on my own, CANT WORK OUT, I'm cooped up inside lonely as fuck. I'm super thankful my mom's been visiting me daily. Also with 2 weeks, my restriction on driving lifts, thank fuck. I might go out and run around stores tomorrow just for the fuck of it. Imagine...... going to the pet store and looking at the cats....
